“Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a constant attitude.” ~ Martin Luther King Jr.
Psychologists have found that the act of forgiving isn’t just about morality or virtue; it’s also a powerful tool for healing our minds, bodies, and relationships.
The Science Behind Letting Go
Have you ever replayed an old argument in your head, wondering how someone could have hurt you like that? Maybe it was a betrayal from a friend or a parent who wasn’t there when you needed them most.
When we hold onto anger or blame, we often think it gives us control or protects us from being hurt again. But in reality, it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer.
Research consistently shows forgiveness isn’t just good for your soul—it’s medicine for your mind. For example:
- A Harvard study found that forgiveness can boost mental well-being by reducing anxiety and depression.
- The American Psychological Association reports that Loren Toussaint, PhD, a professor of psychology at Luther College, in Decorah, Iowa, found that among individuals who scored high on measures of forgiveness, high lifetime stress did not predict poor mental health.
- A study of female nurses published in BMC Psychology found that spiritually-motivated forgiveness was associated with improved health and well-being in mid-life.
Tips to Help You Work Toward Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a process, not a single moment. It often unfolds in stages, and everyone’s journey looks a little different. Here’s a general look at how you can work toward forgiving those who’ve caused you pain.
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Before you can forgive someone, you have to be honest about what happened and how it made you feel. Suppressing or minimizing your emotions can delay healing. Give yourself permission to feel angry, sad, disappointed, or betrayed.
Speaking with a therapist can help bring you a sense of clarity, especially in cases where you’re holding on to complex feelings related to past trauma or abuse. Journaling, attending a support group, or speaking with a trusted friend can also be helpful.
2. Empathize With the Offender (If You Can)
This doesn’t mean justifying someone’s hurtful behavior. Rather, the goal is to try to understand where the person might have been coming from.
Often, hurt people hurt people. A parent who was strictly disciplined as a child for even minor infractions repeats that pattern as an adult—not knowing how to break the cycle. A romantic partner may struggle with open and honest communication because they grew up in a home that didn’t model healthy relationship behavior. A friend who seems thoughtless or inconsiderate at times may be simply struggling with personal issues they’re not quite comfortable sharing just yet. It’s impossible for you to have all the facts, so resist the urge to rush to judgment.
3. Make the Choice to Forgive
Forgiveness doesn’t always come naturally—it’s often something we decide to do after much reflection. And sometimes, we have to make that decision over and over—especially if the pain resurfaces or the person still doesn’t seem to understand the impact of their actions.
4. Let Go of Expectations
You may never get an apology, explanation, or any sign of remorse. The person who hurt you might not change—or even acknowledge what they did.
If you’re waiting for someone else to make it right, you’re giving them control over your healing. Focus on reclaiming your peace, regardless of what they do.
It may be helpful for you to think of the “Let Them” theory, popularized by New York Times bestselling author and podcast host Mel Robbins.
- Let them be wrong about you.
- Let them misunderstand you.
- Let them have their opinion.
- Let them make their choices.
“Let Them” requires accepting reality as it is, including people’s limitations and imperfections. It recognizes that while you can’t control what other people think or do, you can control your response.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
The path to forgiveness can be painful and nonlinear. You might take a step forward and then feel like you’ve taken two steps back. That’s okay.
Be patient and kind to yourself through the process. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you’re okay with what happened—it means you’re ready to stop carrying the weight of it. Celebrate small moments of release or clarity, and don’t be discouraged by setbacks.
We’re Here to Help
If you’re feeling overwhelmed and struggling with finding a path forward, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to figure this out on your own either. At Raleigh Oaks Behavioral Health, our team is here to support you 24/7 with concerns related to anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges.
Reach out today for a free, confidential assessment or to learn more about the treatment options available at our Garner, North Carolina facility.
